The Skill of Telling Yourself the Truth in Relationships

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What do you think people are thinking about you? Have you ever thought you may not be telling yourself the truth about yourself and what your behavior is saying to other people? You will never make any progress towards behaviors you desire to change in your life if you are unable to tell yourself the truth about yourself.

I am not talking about being overly concerned with what people think about us,(people pleasing) but the ability of telling yourself the truth concerning your own behavior and how it affects your relationships. This process affects our closest relationships we have in life because that is where problems can arise due to the closeness at work or the intimacy and vulnerability we have with each other with family and friends. You might actually find yourself being unaware of something that you are doing that is less than dysfunctional, a character flaw, or an impulsive action of saying or doing something you regret and then feeling bad about what just happened at a later point and time. Being able to tell yourself the truth is something maybe everyone struggles with at different times in their life because we all have blind spots and justify things concerning our behavior. We build defense mechanism’s that form denials in order to protect ourselves from feelings such as guilt, shame, embarrassment or the pride of having to always be right. So you might ask yourself, if I don’t always tell myself the truth about what I am actually doing when I behave a certain way what can I do about being more honest with myself.

Here are 3 things that can help:

  1. Go to someone who is safe and knows you very well and in confidence ask them if they are aware of anything significant in your life where you are not telling yourself the truth. Tell them to be open and honest when answering and be ready for constructive criticism. Be aware of getting defensive once the person you are sharing with tells you their observation of what they see in your actions. If you end up feeling defensive try to ignore your feelings and move forward by listening and making the connection you are searching for in yourself.  Telling yourself the truth is not always easy to accept especially when we hear it from another person.
  2. Be able to self actualize with what your behavior is saying to others. Being honest and self aware with who you are, why you are that way and possibly where the behavior is driven or birthed from can help you make the connection about yourself. A lot of behaviors are genetic and passed down to us through our gene pool, taught to us through situations and experiences as we have grown up in life, or driven from your personality type. I suggest taking a personality test if you have not taken one as this will help you understand your personality type.
  3. Practice the 3 D’S of cognitive processing. Discern, Decide and Do. Discern – Be aware of your thoughts- feelings and actions on a daily basis. Decide, are my thoughts feelings and actions healthy? Do. If my thoughts feelings and actions are not healthy what Do I want to change? Is it my thoughts and feelings on a matter or do I need to change how I am reacting to a situation. You can read more about the 3D’s in my other blogs.

The Thunderstorms of Grief

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Do you ever find yourself feeling stuck grieving something that has transpired in your life?  Are you hoping the grief cycle will go away sooner than later, only to find the grief right back in the imminent moment of your life. These are simply called, “Grief Thunderstorms”. Grief thunderstorms are those moments which transpire from an experienced tragic event.  Negative emotion suddenly comes over you and overwhelms you in a way that can be debilitating.  You might try to push it away or sweep it under the rug by disassociating from it, but it still looms over you and wreaks emotional havoc in your life. Rather than trying to escape or avoid these grief storms try facing them by allowing true healing to transpire. Hoping they will go away or neglecting them only means they will be present again in your life at some point in time. Here are some efficient ways to begin the healing process in your life. The long term goal is for the grief to subside so that you can get back to experiencing peace and joy.

*Journal your thoughts and feelings associated with the tragic event for a season. This allows the healing to begin from the event that sometimes can get caught inside of us. Purging these thoughts and feelings can be very helpful. ” When thou goest, thy way shall be opened up before thee step by step. ” Proverbs 4:12

*Prayer can also be a way to release our control over the situation. Giving back to Christ the things we are holding onto can free us up to live more emotionally healthy lives. Let Him carry your burden and stop trying to do it yourself. “This is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.” I John 5:4

*Find a book associated with your situation of grief and read it. New information into your mind will help you see you are not alone during this time in your life and that no matter how bad things are there is always hope for a more positive future. Books help you to develop intangibles and resilience related to the event that is causing the grief.  Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt be with me and revive me.” Psalm 138:7

Teens and Individuation

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If you have a teenager or preteen, you more than likely already have seen characteristics such as being stubborn, defiant and the attitude of, “I am going to do what I want to do.”  This is not always the definition of disrespect towards parents, but their own individuation coming to fruition. It can be a difficult act to balance as a parent when your teen is trying to discover themselves and who they are in this world, and at the same time you are trying your best to guide them down the right path. It is vitally important that they do discover who they are before they leave your home because the more confidence they have concerning their significance and who they are, the more stable they are mentally and emotionally. Self discovery requires “A lot” of failure in a teen’s life. When a teen feels there is no room for failure because the cost is too great, they are paralyzed by fear and won’t take chances. This stifles their personal growth. Parents should expect failure and offer grace, and challenge their kids to challenge themselves in order to grow and mature with diversity in their life. I am not saying there should not be boundaries or consequences from certain behavior however, to strict parenting will cause a child to possibly shut down and stop taking chances to grow in healthy ways. When a child knows and senses the freedom to express themselves and take chances their individuation increases. This leads to knowing who they are and who they are not in their life which is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. Challenge yourself as a parent to allow you child to pursue self discovery everyday and you will see them grow in healthy way over the course of their years at home.

What are my Misbeliefs?

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A misbelief is something you are thinking and believing in your life but it is not necessarily the truth concerning the situation. Maybe it is 50% the truth which means you are more than likely assuming something about the situation. Challenge yourself to make it your goal to identify your misbeliefs in your life by being mindful and self aware of where your thoughts and feelings are coming from and how close to the truth on a 100% scale they are.  What we believe about ourselves and others in life is an integral part of our emotional stability. I cannot count the number of times I have worked with someone without any belief or faith in anything, only to find themselves lost in an abyss of emotional turmoil and emptiness. Our faith/belief system is so important. So many times when our faith or belief system is being tested we decide it is not strong enough to hold on to in relationship to the reality we are facing. We might have an anxiety/panic attack or some other emotional breakdown only to find ourselves completely hopeless believing the misbelief. You might even ask yourself afterwards. Why did I let go and stop believing? Most of the time it is because our faith needs to be built up so that it can endure the storms that life brings to us. So when you are under hopeless circumstances next time force yourself to hopefully believe! This is exactly where you need to be in order to strengthen your infrastructure to be more stable.

This concept of misbelieving can be applied to your relationships with your friends, family and even Christ in your spiritual life. Challenge yourself daily to grow by revealing your misbeliefs and honing them to the 90% -100% of what is actually true in each and every case. Watch when you feel weak about something and challenge your misbelief with the truth about what you are believing. This is a great starting point for your building a much stronger mental and emotional infrastructure, and when you might ordinarily be overwhelmed by something you just might overcome it with the truth about the situation. This can lead to a life filled and controlled by joy rather than the fear of what more than likely will never happen.

Phillippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing!

Watching your Boundaries

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Many of us find it fairly easy to set physical boundaries for themselves, but what about keeping good emotional and mental/cognitive boundaries for themselves? Having healthy emotional and mental boundaries can help you manage your emotions when you sense them spinning out of control. You might find yourself dealing with resentment, bitterness or feeling hurt or misunderstood by someone. So how can you control those stubborn relentless emotions when they are wreaking havoc in your life? Using your awareness and mindfulness to define the root cause of these emotions is the first step. Most of the time these emotions show up and we allow them to set up residence in our hearts and we walk around in life feeling miserable. Try using the Think, Feel, Behavior process or TFB. Being more aware of your thoughts that lead to your feelings, and then trigger your behavior can help you start taking better control of your emotional results. This process can help you have healthier boundaries mentally and emotionally which gives you a healthier balance of emotional living.

Here is an example. Stuart is having a difficult time in life because he constantly finds himself feeling resentment and bitterness towards others. Stuart needs to discern what these thoughts are specifically about and where they are coming from in order to get to the root of his problem. Once he discovers why he is bitter and resentful he can start the process of healing and having healthier emotional/mental boundaries in his life. Forgiveness is usually a key element in this process. Without a forgiving heart you will likely find yourself caught in a trap which is bittersweet. Sometimes we need to forgive the one we are feeling this way towards because it is what is best for you, not because they deserve to be forgiven. This is how we take better care of ourselves when emotions control our lives in negative ways. The toxic results are quite damaging in the long run to your overall mental and emotional well being.

Remember this verse next time your find yourself caught in a unhealthy train of thought: Colossians 3:12,13 Therefore as believers, be tender, kind, humble meek, long suffering and forgiving of each other. Just as Christ forgave you, so also must you forgive.

The 3D’s & Anxiety

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Anxiety is inevitable in our lives at times. The amount of energy that is expended to try and cope with it can be exhausting.  We might even find ourselves feeling moody & irritable and then that wreaks havoc in our personal lives. So what are some ways of coping with this stubborn, fear driven, prevalent emotion? We spoke about blind spots last week and how they are present in our lives daily. Anxiety and where it is coming from can be a blind spot. You may find yourself consumed with worry/fear concerning overwhelming intrusive thoughts and caught up in a cycle and before you know it you are spiraling out of control emotionally. Maybe you have even experienced a panic attack. Use these three steps to try and slow down the process and become more aware of why you are fearful and anxious in order to start making positive changes towards this.

1. Discern.    Your thoughts, feelings and behavior/reaction to the occurring event

2. Decide.     Why/How are these unhealthy/toxic to your life.

3. Do.              Put into action a new way of thinking, feeling and behaving/reacting.

In Phillipians 4:6,7 it says….Be anxious for NOTHING, but in everything by asking through prayer, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, w/ch surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

You may find yourself stuck in your worry/fear cycle and having a hard time letting go. This is normal and possibly due to the fact that you have developed unhealthy habits of coping with your fear in the past. Don’t give up but keep working towards a breakthrough in your own personal journey to finding the joy that is available to you.

 

 

What are Blind Spots?

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What are Blind Spots?

If you are thinking that a blind spot is that specific area you CANNOT see that appears when you are driving your car or truck, you are right. However you can also have blind spots in your personal life that you cannot see and it can also be detrimental to your every day living habits or behaviors. So how do we become more  self aware of our blind spots in order to deal with them in a healthy way?  Having extremely high self awareness and mindfulness concerning your overall thoughts, feelings and behaviors is a great way to start. When you exhibit this type of self processing you begin to evaluate exactly what it might be that is causing so much unrest in your life.  Once you start becoming more aware of the specific thought that leads to the emotional feeling and then the reaction or behavior you may start becoming much more aware of your own blind spot and start making the changes you desire. Making the change does require defining what it is you want to change and replacing it with the new concept of thinking, doing or being. We will always have blind spots in our lives. That is living life on life’s terms. Once you start working on one another may pop up from time to time so don’t get to bent out of shape trying to perfect your own life. You may also ask someone you trust, and that you are close to to be honest with you about whether or not there are things in your own life you do not see but they might see. Make sure you are ready to hear the truth and not take it so personal and get offended. Remember you asked them to be honest. So start working on becoming more self aware and mindful of those blind spots you may be unaware of in your own life. You may see changes that are encouraging and empowering!